My mother-in-law received a desktop flip chart this week that is composed of various moods. Though I disagree that some of these are moods, the vast majority I can stand as a living proof of their existence in the mood category. Lately I have been nothing but stressed, overwhelmed, and lets just say… istlesslay.
Monday and Tuesday of this week went by somewhat swimmingly; I had a mentee this week, I was quite excited to be asked to have a newbie listen in to my calls. I have been struggling at work as everyday I sit there and ponder my existence as a staff member, there are still many people who won’t even acknowledge me and I have been there since August last year. For example one colleague, who was on my ‘team’ at the time, brought something homemade and was sharing it with everyone. She walked into the corner, offering it to everyone as she passed by them – I eagerly awaited my turn as they did look delicious. Then she went to the person to my right, chatted briefly while I waited in what we call wrap time for her to move on, and then moved towards me… and then looked at me… and then without acknowledgement or a smile or anything of the sort she then moved to the person on my left. Needless to say I spent Monday and Tuesday making sure that my mentee was introduced to as many people as possible so that he did not feel the same way.
Wednesday I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a bus – I didn’t get much sleep, and I woke up from the little sleep I had in tears and sweating. Like most people I hate being sick, unlike a lot of people I hate doctors. I am sure they are nice people who are well-trained and friendly but the idea of being in a germ filled room where countless others have sat before me, trapped with posters that are meant to make me feel at ease are taped to the roof is unsettling. Not to mention I cannot count the number of times I have been left in a room that has not had the paper on the table changed, let alone the number of times I have sat in a room waiting for more than an hour. Here you might chip in that it is just offices then that I have a keen dislike for, not doctors as a whole. Nope. There is also a strong dislike for Hospitals, rooms in hospitals, and waiting in hospitals. My last two visits to my local hospital were abhorrent at best. The most recent I had an attendant who couldn’t seem to find my veins for an IV – in either hands after around ten or so tries… each hand. The time before that was when I was left in a room with bloody bandages on the floor… for so long that the lights turned off due to inactivity – almost 3 hours… and it was one of those mass rooms for general inquiries and no one else was in it. I know that staff and the hospital in general can be busy but it was pretty damn close to four in the morning when we left. This tangent has been brought to you by the fact that I am still not entirely present in my own body.
Needless to say – when I woke up Wednesday I was not entirely calm, you could say I was panicked but it’s not the best word… I would go with paranoid. So I called in to work and managed to pass out… and then I did it all over again… and again… and again until finally I managed to sleep a reasonable amount of hours but was left with a cactus for a throat.
Enter Thursday, which would have been a rinse repeat except for the fact that I began to lose everything I held dear… in my stomach. Nothing was immune – crackers, soup, I think I gave up after Mr. Squared went to work because although I hate being sick, and getting sick, I hate not having a back up plan. Did I mention that my car also died this week? So if I were to be unable to stop getting sick and needed to leave to the hospital or the doctors I would basically be stranded without him. Taxi you say? Try a maxed out credit card and $13 dollars to your name – not to mention we live in the absolute middle of nowhere across the bridge from the city. None of that is feasible, but at least I called in sick.
Day three: Friday. Might as well have been a zombie movie. Dehydrated. Hungry. Lost. Bedridden. I made a cocoon which was lovingly posted on Facebook, and there is no sarcasm in that. I managed to get up long enough to call in to work and keep something down which is a positive. The equal and opposite reaction to which is that I left my phone unplugged, it died, and now my employer needs paperwork because I was gone three days; more than likely due to the fact that I have a limited number of paid sick days. Mr. Squared managed… no not the right word… forced, perhaps? Point really is I was out of the bed, albeit it briefly, while he drove to get food and come back.
Fast forward to today: my throat still hurts but I am sitting in front of the computer and can breathe normally and yet… I have not only missed three days of work – which now apparently requires me to fill out paperwork – but I am also three days behind on my wedding planning which is ridiculously behind. Wedding in 42 days and now behind on everything by an extra three.
+ I’m sick
+ Car is dead
+ Behind in Planning
+ Wedding in 42 days
= Completely Overwhelmed and stressed
As with most people born in the same time frame as myself, the first time I started a blog was in high school. I detailed everything from my daily life and was ecstatic when I was invited to Livejournal – yes back then you needed an invite to Livejournal to make your own blog. No piece of my day was unimportant, especially those that involved my experiences with boys or my overly emotional reactions. Soon I moved on to Blogger, which I had thought was an upgrade of sorts, and educated myself on themes and code; ways that I could further showcase my unique identity on the internet. My group of friends and I had linked accounts where we could all communicate with each other, and built Nexopia and Myspace accounts to keep up on what was going on outside of school. Seems silly now really… I didn’t even know what Facebook was until my final year of high school and even then blogging was still a huge part of my life though it had evolved again.
By the time I was half way through high school I had almost ceased blogging all together. I had gotten in trouble for a cynical blog post I created as a sort of eulogy for my brother’s death – of course he had not died yet which made it all more troubling for my parents. Rest assured my brother is still very much alive and we get along quite swimmingly now and talk about my satirical post and which parts of it ended up being truth, though we didn’t know it at the time. Halfway through high school I had also discovered vlogging through Youtube on my channel ScrtSolstice. Most of the old posts are now removed or moved to VlogofZOdd, but it was yet another creative outlet for me to express myself.
Soon it was more than just blogging and vlogging, and my interests had shifted to creating further accounts for Social Media, creating an online presence which is now The Power of Mess: creative content in both the real and virtual worlds. Eventually this has now lead to the creation of this site, a web hub for all things creative. Though I do not mean for this to solely be a blog, it will undoubtedly have that presence as well – whether through reviews, showcase posts, tutorials, or just plain personal blogs. So you’ve been forewarned – this is the site you are looking for, you just may not have expected this much.
When I was in high school everything that I thought was normal and right in the world was considered wrong – and I believed that it was. Everything I said or did was seen in a negative light thanks to those around me who felt that they had the authority to decide what was right. I know now that they did not have the authority but only the conviction.
When I was in high school everything that I knew and loved was inconsistent and backwards – at best. Everything I thought was real and permanent began to disappear outside of the concrete walls and I soon found that it was alright. I know now that there is no one else I would rather be than myself – and I control the audacity to do so.
It took years of confidence building and understanding from those around me who formed a support circle, but I am here and I can now love The Power of Mess for what I wanted it to be: reality.
The Power of Mess is something that I started when I was in high school as a private place (yes private even though it was on the internet) where I could not be harmed by those who judged. A place where I could be myself and not worry about those who harassed me because I would never know them in real life. It was my branch out into the universe to be the unique and weird soul that I was and still am. Now the mess is so much more – it is everything I aspire to be, everything I want to inspire in others, and everything I want to leave behind when I expire.
This is The Power of Mess, and I am ScrtSolstice.