(we started out friends… just kidding, I’m not Kelly Clarkson)
Life has a way of getting to some people, others seem to flourish with what they are given or provided. Both scenarios are ideal to some and not so much to others. I could sit here and complain about how I’ve been feeling, I could voice to you my lows and highs of the last year, and I could pin it on my lack of self-esteem or on a specific situation but really it just comes down to me.
Have I been feeling different? Out of it? Depressed? The internet allows me to self diagnose, but there is no guarantee that is the answer. I am not a doctor, I didn’t go through years of schooling to advise on health – but I am afraid of doctor’s offices and hospitals. Instead of going to my appointment… I ended up cancelling; it was for a decent reason, I needed to rush to the passport office with Mr. A for our passports to be reissued. That was in December, you say, what about in the months since? There’s no excuse.
Moving to another city, dismantling everything I know about having a job, and trying to find my way in a home I once knew has been jarring. I grew up here, always wanted to return here, always wanted to reconnect with this place and it’s life – yet here I am retreating from the outside world and effectively becoming a hermit. Transit is nearby, but I don’t go; shopping is nearby, but I don’t go; food is near by, but I order-in or cook. I even work from home, in a tiny office hoping that today will be the day that my neighbors will have some common courtesy regarding their noise.
Of course there are some positives about life here:
- Everything here is so diverse
- Everything can be ordered online and delivered relatively quickly
- Everything has a million options
- Everything exists here, in one form or another
Living in a big city means that the world is almost at your finger tips – you just need a little effort. The problem is that in a world of everything it is hard to stand out or feel important in any form. Do I need to feel important? Sometimes, in fact I think we all do. We need a connection to something in some way, but being surrounded by everything can make a person feel minuscule and sometimes obsolete.
We are into the fourth month of the year and I haven’t been consistent with posting. Is it because of how many options I have? So many other things to do? No. There is just so much opportunity that I feel swallowed whole. So what’s next, you ask.
- First goal is to find a rhythm – I don’t know what type or how or cadence it will be, but it’s a start
- Leave my house – which, to be fair, I do leave to pickup the groceries I ordered online, and to see my grandparents occasionally
- Finish a project – there are a few things that I would love to complete and get out there, so why not
- Find something new – it’s important that this happens after completing something else. If I continuously start new things before finishing something then it’s just a vicious cycle
- Sound proofing – it would be nice to be able to work in peace, but whether I sound proof here or find a new place or a studio? Who knows, LOUD NOISES
Here’s to a new year, a new place, a new cat, and all the things that come with writing.
-A
A. N. Stetzl 